Musing

I miss laughing.  You know that deep belly ache laugh that causes snot to come out of your nose and your stomach muscles a good work out?  I miss that.  I haven’t had a laugh like that in such a very long time.  

I miss not feeling worried deep down at the bottom of my stomach all the time.  Even when I am busy and involved and happy in my work, there is still that deep gnawing worry about what is going to happen next, what could go wrong.  As if there were two parts of me co-existing rather uneasily.  

I miss the feeling that all your work is done, there is nothing to do but something frivolous: reading for hours and then talking about the book...baking fussy cookies for the intricacy of it, rather than bread because “we gotta eat”.... working on a Hawaiian quilt, even though I am very bad at it and have to rip out half the stitches anyway.  It’s kind of like the growing flowers instead of food, just because they’re pretty.  There isn’t any room for metaphorical flowers in my life right now.  

I miss that feeling that you are done with your work.  That first day of summer vacation when you are a small kid (when you don’t have to rush out and find a summer job) and the whole long glorious stretch of warm sunny days and games of capture the flag stretches out in front of you.  Heck, I would settle for going to bed at night with the day’s list all done and no big list facing me the next morning!  

This is not to say that I don’t have things that I am grateful for now.  I am grateful beyond words for my family and for the opportunity to work together toward homesteading.  My job stretches my mind and allows me to work with some pretty amazing kids and teachers.  I am healthy, strong, and learning new things every day.  I am so grateful for friends, near and far (and the internet to keep in touch with them).  I am a fortunate woman, all told.  

There are still things to miss, though.